When I was younger, my dad was in ministry. He was a pastor on and off, so I grew up in Christian home. I thought I was saved at a very young age. It was one of those things where I would repeatedly ask Jesus into my heart. But I didn’t realize until later in life that I didn’t really know Him as my savior. I didn’t follow Him. I had no personal relationship with Him.
Through a series of events, my father had an affair and got divorced from my mom and at that point was no longer in ministry. That was a turning point for me that started a downward spiral of bad decisions in my own life.
During my college years, I was lost and searching to be loved and feel beautiful—emotions that stemmed from my father’s affair. There was a void in my life and I turned to guys and alcohol to fill it. Which eventually led to me getting pregnant.
I was 20 years old and in such a dark place. My thoughts were completely selfish. “Having a baby would inconvenience my life,” I told myself. I didn’t have a real relationship with the baby’s father. I was in complete denial. It was almost like I had no feeling. It wasn’t even a real debate.
I decided to have an abortion.
At the time, I only told two or three people and they were people who supported my decision. I think I knew that they would when I told them.
It wasn't until after college that I began seeking light and came to know Jesus as my Savior. He knew that my secret needed to be exposed, but I wasn't ready. I had repented and knew that Christ had forgiven me, but I was not free. I continued to stuff it down deeper all while getting married.
Later, my husband and I learned we were pregnant, but it ended in a miscarriage. When that happened, all the thoughts I had been harboring from my abortion started surfacing back up. My thought process was, “I deserve this miscarriage.” I even told myself, “I won’t be surprised if God doesn’t allow me to have children at all.” I wasn’t blaming God. I truly felt that I deserved this.
But, the Lord in all His goodness did allow me to get pregnant again, and I am now the mother of two beautiful children. But even during these two pregnancies, I still kept the secret of my abortion buried deep. The inner battle of trying to suppress feelings that I never really dealt with was ongoing. I found it hard for me to connect with my babies when they were in the womb, because I had not experienced true healing yet from a decision I made so long ago.
Soon after the birth of my second child, I could no longer bear the weight of this secret. I found the courage to tell my husband and few other people that were close to me. Finally, my secret was out, and I was grateful. But telling my loved ones was just the start of my journey to finding true healing.
During my first year of attending Brook Hills, I saw an announcement for Surrendering the Secret, a class that seeks to help women find healing and restoration from a past abortion. I felt God telling me to go. I was scared but obeyed.
The next few months God began the healing process… not only for the abortion but for so many other areas connected to it.
Joining the group was life-changing. I was finally able to deal with my guilt and grief by going through this class with a group of women who understood because they had experienced the same thing. My life was changed because these women never ceased praying for me and constantly encouraging me to seek the Lord during this process.
When I think of these women, I think of James 5:16:
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
By God’s grace, I had finally received complete and total healing.
As I went through the class, I also continued to tell more people. Every time I told someone, it was like some darkness left and more light came in.
Now, the Lord has given me a passion to help women who have gone through the same thing. Specifically, women in the church. I actually went through Surrendering the Secret again wanting help other women who were coming through the class, and I found that even more healing occurred for me the second time around.
When I think of God’s goodness in my life, I am thankful for the truth of Micah 7:19:
“He will again have compassion on us;
he will tread our iniquities underfoot.
You will cast all our sins
into the depths of the sea.”
Thank you, Father. I am truly free.
This story comes from within our faith family. If parts of her story resonate with you or you too are seeking healing and restoration from a past abortion, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.