Improving Communication with Your Spouse
In marriage the hope for a deeper love, the desire to honor and encourage, and a longing to trust may exist, but the lack of good communication skills can dash all possibilities. Desire alone is never a substitute for good skills.

• Communication requires messages that are clearly delivered and accurately heard. Speaking is a combination of words, body language, tone of voice, history, and insecurities.
  
  
• Listening is based on interpretation of data gathered through all the senses. The goal of good listening is to understand an issue from the perspective of the speaker.
  
  
• A good listener pays close attention to all the information being sent, through verbal and nonverbal gestures. A nod of the head, a smile, and the expression in the eyes speak louder than any words about your interest.
  
  
• A good listener encourages the speaker to explain further. In conversation, people tend to hold things back until they are sure the listener is really interested. You can ask, Is there anything else you want to share? or What other emotions are you feeling? or Any other suggestions?
  
  
• A good listener should use open-ended questions which require more than a simple yes or no answer and usually begin with who, what, when, where, and how. Avoid asking questions that begin with the word why because these questions tend to sound argumentative.
  
  
• A good listener summarizes the speaker's perspective. This gives the speaker and listener the opportunity to see if the message has been delivered and received accurately.
  
  
• Eliminate expressions such as Shut up, or Don't bother me now, or Not now, I'm watching TV. Mute buttons were designed for the TV, not for loved ones.
  
  
• Quality communication comes through quantity communication. Talking together makes living together purposeful and productive. It provides couples with a means through which they can maintain trust, confidence, and intimacy.
  
  
• Don't assume that you know what your spouse is thinking. Remember, you don't want your thoughts or words assumed - you want the opportunity to express what you feel. So does your spouse.
  
  
• Your understanding of the issue is to be put on the shelf temporarily until the other person has completed expressing his or her understanding of the issue. Partners generally want what each other wants, so adjustments in the understanding of an issue can occur willingly. Spouses are not in competition to see who makes the most right decisions. Collaboration - the blending of two ideas into one--is the best procedure for reaching objectives.
  
  
• Strive to state clearly what you mean. Choose your words carefully and stick to the issue.
  
  
• Be respectful at all times. Nothing is ever gained by derogatory remarks to your spouse. Marriage is a mutual effort, a team activity.
  
  
• Don't avoid difficulties. A good relationship is one that works through difficulties so that they don't escalate, not one that avoids difficulty. Difficulties suggest a need for change, and mutually agreed-upon change usually promotes relational growth.
  

By Gary P. Stewart and Timothy J. Demy

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