A couple of weekends ago, I was driving back to Birmingham from Atlanta on I-20, and I noticed a billboard for an “adult store” that contained a picture of the 50 Shades book with the slogan “Create your own Red Room!” Even if you haven’t read the books (which I haven’t), you know the implications of such a statement.

Inspired by the 50 Shades books and movie, a company named Lovehoney Ltd. owns global rights to the branded Fifty Shades sex toys and even has a “Red Room Collection” of bondage items. The Chicago Tribune reports that sales of BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism) products have more than doubled in this country since 50 Shades became a bestseller. Sales of such items grew to $609.8 million in 2013, and even your neighborhood Target is currently selling 50 Shades sex gear.

But 50 Shades and that billboard on I-20 are just more blatant about an aspect of sex culture that is growing more predominant even on primetime television. In the past couple of years, I have turned off the TV (or more accurately, my laptop) when watching shows like Castle, Forever, and even BBC’s Sherlock when I realized that a particular episode was delving into the sexual underworld consisting of dominatrixes, BDSM practices, and all that those things involve. But with the release of the 50 Shades books and now the movie, that underworld has gone from taboo to mainstream as many fans have begun applying what they are reading to their own relationships. BDSM is on the upswing, moving into bedrooms across the country, even in Birmingham suburbia.

BDSM is not just kinky sex. It involves abuse, pain, dominance, and even a contract, and as Gary Thomas writes, “Let’s be honest. If your lover leads you to a place that looks like the ‘Spanish Inquisition,’ you’re in a horror movie, not a romance.” The words BDSM, sadism, or masochism may not mean much to you, or it may bother you that I am daring to weigh in on what’s right and wrong in the bedroom – your bedroom. Can I tell you why I’m writing this article? Because I desire for God to be glorified in the marriages and the sexual activity of His people. Because I know that if we as believers would have the courage to address what the world blatantly discusses and displays, we could proactively help the next generation identify sin and resist temptation. And because I am tired of just being reactive when it comes to walking with my friends and my college girls who are dealing with sexual sin and its effects – I would rather help my sisters avoid such things. Therefore, BDSM is something I will address even if doing so causes eyebrows to lift, faces to blush, or people to become uncomfortable. But if you know me, you also know that my heart is to do this in a way that is clear, respectful, appropriate, and points people to Jesus.

First, let me clarify that BDSM differs from sexual play, but as Dannah Gresh notes in Pulling Back the Shades, “Sexual play, even within marriage, crosses the line if it ever causes physical harm, is degrading, or violates your will.” Sadism involves a “dominant” who enjoys inflicting pain on another person, “the submissive,” and a masochist is the one who enjoys receiving the pain and humiliation. A sadist might use tools such as whips, crops, handcuffs, etc., but sadism can also include verbal abuse. Why would anyone want to incorporate such aberrant practices in their relationship? Would you really want to sleep next to someone who takes pleasure in causing you pain? And if you are wanting to do these types of things to someone else, what does that indicate about your desires and about your beliefs regarding yourself, others, and God’s design for sexuality?

Although the concordance in the back of my Bible lacks the words “sadism” or “masochism,” we do see plenty of description regarding God’s design for men, women, marriage, and sex, and it is His design as stated in His Word that demonstrate how BDSM aligns more with sin’s perversion of sex than it does God’s design.

Look back at Genesis 3 with me. After Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit, God approaches them in the Garden to confront them about their sin and to deliver the consequences. Genesis 3:16 states, “To the woman he said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.’” Let me clarify what this verse is not saying. Submission and headship are not a result of the Fall but are part of God’s original design for marriage (Eph. 5:22-33). When God tells Eve that her husband will “rule” over her, this word “rule” describes more than just leadership. It points to dominion, mastery, lordship, and harsh oppression. Because of sin’s distortion, aggression – including an abuse of authority against women - would be a sinful tendency of men (passivity is also a tendency), but God’s design for men involves male headship – not male dominance.

Because of sin, women also air on one side of the sinful spectrum or the other – passivity or aggression. Passivity shows itself in “Dora the Doormat” who doesn’t think for herself, allows others to run all over her, and cannot tell anyone “no;” in “Needy Nora” who cannot be alone, is clingy, and must always have someone else around; or in “Victim Valerie” who never claims responsibility, never is at fault, feels entitled, and thinks that everyone is out to get her. And in women, aggression shows itself in “Wear the Pants Wanda” who dominates and runs over others to get what she wants; in “Feminist Fran” who thinks she can do whatever she wants with her body, who holds men responsible for female oppression, and who takes even gentlemanly behavior as an insult; and in “Seductive Sarah” who uses sex to her benefit and likes the power she can have over men. Granted, these stereotypes play on extremes, but you can see how both men and women lean towards either passivity or aggression because of sin? And can you see how sadism aligns with the aggressive tendency and masochism with passivity? As Allen Ross states in his commentary on Genesis, “…the woman at her worse would be a nemesis to the man, and the man at his worst would dominate the woman.”

Furthermore, think about what marriage depicts – the relationship between Christ and the church. Is Christ a sadist? Does he enjoy inflicting pain on His people? Is that how He shows His love for us? No! “…God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Christ demonstrated His love through self-sacrifice. He died to give us life, and He did this knowing that not everyone would return His affection. In Ephesians 5:28-29, Paul commands husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies,” which involves nourishing and cherishing them – not injuring them.

To the wife, God instructs her to submit to her husband and to respect him (Eph. 5:22, 33). When women try to dominate, manipulate, or control others – specifically their husbands – they sin. Also, Proverbs 14:1 states, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” The submissive wife refrains from tearing down her home, from tearing down her husband. The submissive wife honors her husband with her thoughts, words, and actions and encourages him as he leads. Furthermore, biblical submission does not go along with sin nor does it instigate it. For women to become masochists demonstrates, at the very least, ignorance of biblical submission, or maybe it shows that a woman desires submission but acts on that desire in way that is perversely submissive. BDSM serves as a counterfeit, a substitute for wanting a man to act like a man, to take charge, and to initiate. In light of all of this, engaging in BDSM within the context of marriage makes a mockery of the gospel demonstration that God designed marriage to be.

But what about sex toys?

I cannot even accurately count the number of weddings, engagement parties, and bridal showers I have been involved with since my college days, but I would guess that it hits somewhere close to triple digits (last year alone was ten – one engagement party, four bridal showers, and five weddings). But confession, I am not a fan of lingerie showers. Thus far, the lingerie showers I have been to have been tame in comparison to many that some of my friends have attended, but even at that, I have been taken aback by some of the things that are given as gifts at lingerie showers, even if they are given in jest.

As girls in my college small group are getting engaged and married (hence the amount of showers and weddings on my calendar for 2014 and 2015), a question I am hearing voiced has to do with sex toys and what is permissible in marriage. They know the world has an “anything goes” attitude about sex when it involves two consenting adults, but no one has ever taken the time to discuss with them what the Bible says regarding a host of sexual issues, including this one. Now, sex toys and BDSM are not necessarily synonymous, but because the two do overlap and because the Bible does not specifically mention sex toys, included below are a few helpful questions to consider regarding the use of sex toys in marriage. The point here is to help you think critically about what you incorporate in your marriage.

  • Does it go against God’s design? For example, the involvement of sexual fantasy about someone other than your mate, erotica, pornography, or the involvement of another person in your sex life would be against God’s design for marriage and sex.
  • Does it harm either of you?If it results in injury such as bruises or cuts or is hurtful in any way, then it is not appropriate. The same goes for anything that causes emotional pain or makes one feel demeaned, humiliated, or abused.
  • Is it loving?Think of how 1 Corinthians defines love. Does the action align with what the Bible says is loving?
  • Is it habit-forming?If it becomes something you cannot do without or if it begins to have mastery over you (such as an addiction), then your marriage would be better off without it.
  • Does it benefit your marriage or tear it down?If it hinders your ability to be satisfied by your mate or to trust your mate, then it is not good for your marriage. What are you both comfortable with?

God’s not anti-pleasure. Keep in mind, He’s the One who created sex in the first place! So if it does not go against His design and His Word, if does not cause harm or have mastery over you, and if it fosters love and true intimacy in your marriage, then go for it! God wants you to enjoy having sex with your mate, but the Enemy wants to deceive you and to make you feel as though you are missing out. If you are single, he might be trying to convince you that you are missing out by not being married and having sex. If you are married, the lie might be that BDSM could spice up your sex life and that you are missing out if you do not at least try it. This is how he got to Eve – by questioning God’s character and by telling her that she was missing out, that God was withholding wisdom and pleasure from her (Gen. 3:5-6).

With all of this, avoid becoming legalistic about your sex life, but be wary of going to the other extreme by accepting or tolerating things without considering how they line up with God’s design. As Dr. Juli Slattery states, “God is greatest proponent of your pleasure-not the pleasure that is sweet for a season, but the deep, profound satisfaction that only grows sweeter with time. Once you understand what God has said ‘no’ to, you are free to have a great time exploring all he has given you to enjoy.”

 

Comments